Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Hemorrhoid

The joys of pregnancy.  Pride goeth before birthing, I suppose.

I had a shockingly and probably unfairly smooth early pregnancy.  No real morning sickness to speak of, in fact I've only thrown up once during this whole ordeal and that's because I swallowed a bug while I was on my bike.  Total gag reflex- not morning sickness.  So that's nice.  Additionally I and the little guy (oh yeah- it's a boy!) have both been perfectly healthy, all tests good, all systems go.  I didn't even find a stretch mark until last week, and I'm in the 40th week now.  But in my guilt (more to come on that later), I knew that something must go wrong, something to make me earn this love and happiness.  I think I found it last night while on the toilet.

Early on in the pregnancy I learned that some women will develop hemorrhoids.  I'd heard the term before but didn't have any idea what it was, really.  If you've never seen a picture of a hemorrhoid, I suggest a google image search.  In fact, let me help you out.  After you've wiped the vomit from your mouth you may begin to wonder, just as I did at first, How is this happening in the 21st century world today???  Why aren't we having gala fundraisers and commercials with Sarah Maclachlan soundtracks and twitchange celebrity auctions to address this horrific problem?  We must increase awareness, now!  And then after starting your own grassroots awareness campaign you may realize, as so many activists before you have, that some people prefer to remain blissfully ignorant of the great problems of the world.  But, determined to bring about positive change, you will doggedly continue your quest and painstakingly remind people of the existence of hemorrhoids every chance you get.  "It's best to have open, honest communication", you think.  Until you're faced with the problem yourself, that is.  Then you cower away in retreat from the familiarity of facebook and start a whole damn blog to discuss your issues with the faceless audience of the interwebs.  The hypothetical audience.  Hello?  Anyone out there??? 

The hemorrhoid diagnoses problem is a tricky one.  The afflicted person is locked into a culture of shame and denial, where even the prospect of seeking medical confirmation of their prolapsed anal blood vessel seems overwhelmingly embarrassing and gross, and a severe blow to the pride, particularly if you're one to take pride in such things as the amount of water you consume and the regularity of your bowel movements (things said to reduce instances of hemorrhoids).  But this is one problem that even the most skilled self-diagnostician will likely need assistance with; it is mighty difficult to get the mirror and lighting in place combined with the proper relaxed-sphincter posture to best display the potential protuberance.  Add in a rotund 40 week uterus and you're just effed.  It's impossible to get a good look.  Bring in the husband!

Having not been married even a year, one can't help but think that having your significant other do such a dirty job as checking you for hemorrhoids will put you on the fast track to being the victim of infidelity or, at the very least, will permanently damage your sex life.  Lucky for me, I happen to have married The Greatest Man That Has Ever Existed On The Face Of The Planet and so those fears are only fleeting.  Fleet fleet.  There they go again.  But even if you are married to TGMTHEEOTFOTP, it can be mighty hard to relax enough for that thing that you felt while wiping your butt to poke it's little head out while someone's looking for it.

We tried.  I could barely let him look, much less relax.  Nothing out of the ordinary could be seen.  Husband handled it so sweetly and assured me that the experience would not have any negative impact on his sexual attraction to me (fleetfleetfleetfleetfleet).

Next doctor appointment is in two days.  I guess if the fears and feeling of a little bubble on my butthole when I wipe persist, I'll have to get it checked out.  Until then.